Society

Today I went to my doctor's to see what the results of a test I took. The scores were high and she believes that I did on purpose to score high so I'd get more attention from my parents or other people. I felt a little offended. I do not like getting attention. I have enough attention at home where my parents constantly are on the lookout for me. I tried to be as honest as possible with the test so I can understand myself better. If I wanted attention I probably would of done something more radical and obvious.

The reason why people are confused with what's going on in my head is because I find it really hard to express my feelings and emotions with other people. From the beginning I was teased as a little kid and often put to the side. I thought I had friends when in reality I had none. I felt betrayed. When I stated to understand what was going on I have always told myself to not trust anyone. I'm starting now to trust my parents more and more. I guess because I felt like they didn't love me so why should I trust them? Now I know the immense love they have had for me and still have it today. Their love is endless. I don't speak of my suffering because I'm afraid of hurting them and making them feel like failed parents.

I understood the concept of fake people and people using someone for their own benefits at a really young age which made me angry and scared in the inside. What's the point of having a friend if he or she will end up using you and leave you rot? This is what I hate about society. People only care for themselves. No matter what many people will not forgive you for what you did in the past. They will always hold it against you. Some people forget that we are humans and deserve sympathy and understand. So why open youself to someone else when you know that eventually they will either use you or back stab you at the least expect moment?

This sensation have made me feel numb for years. I started to lose hope and couldn't find many reasons to live.

I've been able to mask myself behind the mask of a happy kid who lives his life like a normal one. But in reality I'm just a broken person who's trying to find hope.

There are some days where I'll be quite happy and seem to know where I'm going. But when I'm alone, I reflect and feel like I'm just wasting my time. I know there is something after death or else life would be meaningless but what is it? Wh are we the only one that supposedly get to have the experience an afterlife? What about all the other living things? Animals? Plant?

Today I was asked what my fears were. To be honest, I stated to not feel feer anymore. I was afraid of dying back then, but I've come to a realization that in one way or another we will die eventually. So why not accept the reality. I've been able to control my fears, to now making them as a normal thing to where it wouldn't surprise me anymore. I don't have objective fears, like spiders, hights, darkness, fire and many other things. When I have bad dreams, I don't wake up. Subconscious I know it's not reality and that its just something made up by my mind. So why not explore it? Why not keep dreaming and knowing more about it.

The only real fear that I have is not having a purpose. It gives me a sense of helplessness and brings me down as the days go by.

Going back to what I was saying about tying to get attention or call out for help, that's not me. This is why I meet with my doctor. To see what is the problem. I'm already asking for help. Why should I be asking for some more? I am open to whatever I have to hear about myself. I am comfortable and willing to listen and change. But I want to see progress.

Going always from my old college was already a good step to healing but what now? My emotions and feelings haven't changed. They changed form but the roots are still the same one. Feeling alone, and useless.

Sometimes I will go through a day where I am in a good mood but then all of the sudden, numbness comes in and the feeling of emptiness in my heart takes me somewhere else where I'm alone.

I have always been the kind of kid that bad "friends" but never was able to find true ones, and the ones that were, they didn't last forever.

I have had a lot of problems with myself and confidence. I have always had some kind of hatred against myself. Feeling not good enough, that no one loves me. This is why I have never really talked to anyone about my thoughts and feelings. Why would they want to hear about ME? Why should they listen to have I have to say?

When I was little until recently I felt distant with my parents. Not because they were not good with me but because I didn't feel good enough to have them. I didn't want them to know me for the real me because I didn't want them to see what I have inside. It would kill them.

On the last note. I tend to express myself better with writing than speaking. At least with this kind of topics where I can process my thinking well and feel some kind of freedom. I can't tell these kind of things to someone's face. If they want to know what I have to say, I will give them the option to either listen, or not listen. I don't want to force anyone in anything. I put my stuff out there and you can read if you chose to.