New Me

Today my mom told me that I need to start loving myself more. The first time I heard someone tell me that was my first love. Freshman year I dated this girl where she took over my heart. It was a long distance relationship which was very hard. We dated for a year and a half but we both knew that we couldn't do this for at least four years of high school. That's when I decided to break up with her. I wanted her to be happy and to find someone that could love her as much as I did. 

I will never forget the moments we spent together. From the first time we held hands to our first kiss. Her and I were really close and we both told each other's real life stories. I was born in Rumania and was adopted by an Italian couple. 

Although I knew I was loved by this family, I still felt emptiness in my heart. I wanted to know more about my past. Why was I abandoned? I always told myself that I wasn't god enough for anything and that I wouldn't have a future. 

When she heard me say that, she told me that I first need to love myself in order to love others. It totally made sense but for some reason I wasn't able to snap out of it. I kept on telling myself that I wasn't good enough for anything or anyone and that I was a mistake. 

This kept going though out my high school years until my senior year. My photography teacher whom I had a close relationship with and whom actually cared about me, he was able to undo some of the hurt I was feeling inside of me. I was able to express this hurt though photography. It was the only way for me to express my feelings without the feeling of being judged. 

Little by little I was starting to understand myself at a deeper level. Everything changed when one of my ex's had enough of my complaining and told me to suck it up. She was right, I probably should've gone to a specialist, and she was tired of hearing me complain about myself. Thinking about it now, I was being pretty selfish, but I didn't know what was happening at the time.

After that moment I decided to keep everything inside of me thinking that no one really cared and that I was just wasting my time feeling bad for myself.

Going into college I was excited to make new friends and have a whole new experience. It turned out to be the worst thing I could've done in my life. Im the kind of person that forgives people immediately and that has a really long fuse, but going into college I experienced the feeling of truly hating someone. The feeling of being alone and abandoned. I didn't know where else to go so I started smoking weed. Not many people think that weed is bad for you, but I think it has some effects on some people that can be negative. Smoking everynight before going to bed was my only way to fall asleep. After a while I felt like the only company I had was myself. I would literally have conversations with myself. Even though I joined several clubs, I still wasn't able to make one good friend. 

My grades started to fall and so was I mentally. I couldn't handle the fact that I was alone with no one to do anything with. I would sadly eat in my dorm watching some movies while I'd eat lunch or dinner so I wouldn't feel alone. On top of that, on St. Patrick's day I was caught was alcohol in my room. After that event I was put on probation and so was my roommate. I guess my roommate didn't like the fact that we both got written up for the same thing, so he decided to call me out for smoking pot. Now I'm risking expulsion. I gave up on everything, I'm not the kind of person that will torture their body but I would torture my heats and feelings. I started to close myself in and started smoking even more due to the stress and sadness I felt inside of me. 

Today was the day I thought I was gonna be put on the streets. I have lied so many times to my parents and I feel so bad for them. The only thing I can think of now is how much of a failed son I am to them and how much I do not deserve them. I feel like leaving would be a good idea, but then it would leave an empty whole in them. 

I don't know what to do. I pretty much fucked up my life. 

In desperation, my mom and I started to read a book about loving yourself. She told me the exact same things my first girlfriend told me. I needed to love myself before loving others, and by doing so I will find meaning in my life.

Right now my life depends on them. I know I wouldn't do something stupid, but I would slowly lose myself and slowly fall into a pit where I won't be able to get out.

I used to think that love doesn't exist in our society and that true love is dead, but I see it every day between my parents and I. 

I never felt worthy of it but they have never given up on me. Even when I gave up on myself, they didn't. 

It is so hard to move on with life when things like this happen to you. I know it will be a long process of remaking a trust bond between them and I, but I know we will get past this as well. 

I will become a better person, and I will succeed in life!

Till next time folks!

Leaving the states

Ok, I guess I can't make entries on a daily basis. I've been so busy with finals that's it's taken over my free time. 

But in other cases, I've come to a realization that college might not be the thing for me. Coming into college I was excited to make new friends and being able to have a new adventure. It turned out that the people I thought were my friends, turned their backs on me. 

The first thing I noticed coming into the States at a social point is that people tend to make friend groups, and if you were part of it when it first started, it's hard to get in it. 
In Europe people tend to be more open to new people and are willing to let them be part of their group. I have family in Italy and we always go back for the long breaks to visit. Every time I go back I manage to meet new people and become part of their group. 

The difference between American and Italian "groups" is that Italians don't consider their friends as a "group". We tend to be open to different people from different cultures and backgrounds. 

This phenomenon in this society has greatly influenced my life and I've concluded that maybe this is not where I belong. Now don't get me wrong, I loved living in the States. There are so many things that have amazed me that Europe couldn't have gotten close to. There are so many things that I've learned here, and I'm one hundred percent thankful for the stay I had. 

I miss my culture and most importantly my family. During my stay here in the States my family lost two loved ones. I only wish I would've spent more time with them and cherish the last moments.
I lost two of my grandparents, both from my dad's side. My family went though a storm of problems following their death and my parents and I couldn't do much to help.
I wish to be able to enjoy the last moments with my mom's side parents. I have a really close relationship with them especially my grandpa. I look up to him and he has inspired me in so many ways. 

This summer I will be going back to Switzerland and stay with a family. I will be volunteering at the United Nations for the third world countries's education. I am really looking forward to be working for them and maybe be able to make a change in the world. I was really lucky to find the person who is the founder of that charity. He doesn't take anyone, he makes really specific selections to whom is going to be helping him. He chose me because my family and him have a strong friendship and because I speak three different languages that needed. 

I hope that I may be able to work for the UN in the long run. If I do well this summer maybe I can get an internship and perhaps find a job! 

Wish me luck!

Peace.

my grandpa

I would like to talk about my grandpa who is a huge inspiration in my life and that even if he would sometimes try to teach me something that i thought was boring, but even then i still appreciated for the effort he made trying to tech me things. Now i can also appreciate what he actually has taught me and what he still teaches me. I got to know him so much more about him after stories and stories about his childhood and adulthood till now i now understand why he thinks he way he does and why he does things in certain ways. 

My grandpa stopped going to church after there were some changes being made in it. He felt really let down and lost hope. Recently I got a letter from him telling me about some stories he had with me and some life changes i have made in him. He wrote to me that when i was a kid i was very sensitive and felt like may parents pushed me too hard. He saw my suffering and one day he went inside a church and prayed to Mary asking he to give me healing and patience wit my parents. When I read his letter teas stated falling off my cheeks. 

I didn't think I would have such a huge impact in someone's life. After that day when he made a prayer, he made an allegiance to start going back to church again. 

No one knows why he came back except him and I. This is why I love my relationship with him. He is such an understanding human being and who has gone through many emotions he has gone through. During my senior year in high school I took AP photography and I was really passionate about it. I made a portfolio that expresses the feeling of loneliness though misunderstanding, and my grandpa saw it right away without even knowing what I photographed about!

His sensitivity to things is so genuine that expresses his past experiences. I find those so inspiring because even though the years appart between us we still had a similar way of living life and on seeing things.

My grandpa is one of the most influential person in my life and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else!

See you guys next time!

What's on my mind

What's up guys, its been a while since I last blogger. The only reason why I used this website to blog, was so I could complete my assignments for a class where I had to do research on a subject. For everything that I found I was supposed to put make a blog off of it.

The research paper that was also a presentation. The research I made was about Dogs and how intelligent they really are. I really liked the way it turned out and how happy my teacher was. After seeing it again after two years, I was still able to enjoy it and see it at a different point of view.

The reason why I'm back here is because I feel like with my writing ill be able to express my thoughts and ideas. (I know I'm not the best writer and this is also another reason to why I'm here. Please forgive me if I make some obvious mistakes that I might not see.) I've been told by many people that I have a really unique way of seeing things and that I'm good a problem solving. I thought I'd be able to share some of my ideas and perhaps open some people's eyes over some things they didn't know.

Now, I'm not sure where to start so I'll just type whatever goes through my mind. Well the first thing is that I'm not going to formally present myself to you. I want you guys to know me by my actions and thoughts, so you can make an image of me instead of me giving you one. I think sometimes doing this hints some expectations from the other person, and if that happened then people tend to see your mistakes rather more quickly than some who's trying to make an image of you from scratch.
I absolutely don't know whether this is true or not but this is what I will be doing with my blogs.

I will see if I can blog on a daily basis, although some days my blogs will be either really short or sometimes really long. Hopefully I'll be able to stay consistent and make good sized blogs that will satisfy everyone.

See you Tomorrow!